Written at 3/18/14, 10:05pm
Streaming writing. That’s all this is. Just a really stressful day that has developed multiple emotions, frustrations and even some smiles… Because, Pregnant. I’m laying here in bed listening to the two loves of my life in the other room play and have conversation and I’m just feeling feels. Lately, between all of the hustle of every day life, the worry of bringing Baby #2 into the world has been consuming my every thought.
Will I be as good a Mom as I have been to Alexandria? Can I fix the mistakes I made the first time around? How will I POSSIBLY be able to love another human being anywhere near as much as I love the Chech? Will he/she look like me? Or Javy? Will they be a fussy baby like Alex was? Most importantly, will this baby be ok considering my inability to take the prenatals I took with Alex, and my being so sick the first Trimester? Will my reliance on Tylenol give my baby ADHD? Will the stress & pressure of every day life transfer into my baby and make him/her an anxious worry wart? Will my stretch marks get worse – or is it even possible for these stretch marks to get any worse?
The anxiety inspiring questions are endless – and it’s like riding a carousel of emotions… Over and over and over and over.
With Alexandria, I let the fear of the unknown ruin the experience of being pregnant. I was at a job that made me feel like being pregnant was a disadvantage (which in the end it ultimately was), and I rushed back to work to prove that I could still exist as “Amanda” even after I’d become a Mother. But I was lying to myself. Trying to convince myself that nothing really changed, except now I had a little person. Boy was I wrong.
This time around I’m really trying to enjoy the fact that I’m building a human. I can sit here, in my bed, for hours… And I’m still creating a person. I can stand in front of my students, and teach, and at the same time I’m creating a new life.
This time around pregnancy isn’t nearly as nice to me as the first time – and I’m trying to enjoy it. 16 weeks in, I’m trying my hardest not to let the hormones, emotions and stress get to me. Stretching Pains have started. My sciatic nerve feels like it’s stuck so my hips click when I walk. Migraines are intense. The struggle with Hanger is real.
I have to understand that I will have days like today… I have to accept that I’ll cry for stupid reasons. But I have to embrace the fact that everything will ultimately be okay. All of those questions will get answered and realistically, I have very little control over a lot of the things I worry about. So. Just keep swimming.