I like to think everyone gets antsy when life feels predictable. That I’m not the only one who despises routine. Who drowns in stagnant water. Uninspired by the everyday. I like to think that there’s more to why we’re on this planet than existing and going with the flow.
And if I am, then that’s fine, too. Because I’m not quite sure there’s a better instance for which one really looks for themselves, than when they become a parent. First let your thoughts marinate in 9 months of a constant worry about your unborn child, then cook them in with labor and delivery. When you think it’s done, turn the heat down by the experience of seeing your child for the very first time and try to remember EVERYTHING about that moment. The smell, the sounds, the little eyeballs staring at you like wtf just happened. Then, kick it up a notch with the newborn stage – throw in some sleepless nights, the heavy weight of responsibility, add a dash of unstable hormones and a pinch of quiet cuddle moments. What you’ve now got is a woman who is feeling part “Luckiest Lady in the World” and part “HOLY SHIT what am I doing right now”.
I’ve struggled mainly with that “holy shit what am I doing right now” part. Depression and Anxiety consumed my existence. The fact that my spark was burnt out and my light was dim – hurt my soul. I felt guilty for not embracing my “Mom” status and like I was a terrible person for it. Not to say I still don’t struggle with that wave of panic every once in a while – but being able to acknowledge that it’s perfectly OKAY to feel this way made the weight much easier to carry.
When I share this with people, I tend to get blank stares and eyes full of disbelief. “But you look like you’re always having so much fun!” say most people.
That’s because recently, I’ve made an active decision to choose to be the “Luckiest Lady in the World”. I’ve picked my camera up AT HOME more than ever. Re-ignited my spark for Photography, begun to be inspired by my every day, not trapped by it. I’ve really looked for the beauty, the wonder, the joy in the most mundane tasks. You better believe packing two kids and heading to Publix to do groceries while Javy is at work is not easy. Pretty sure I could complain from the second I started packing them up, until the second I got home. Pretty sure I HAVE complained through the entire process before… but for what? To just make an already stressful experience even more miserable? No more. No thanks.
This morning we were lucky enough to watch the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean. It takes something so simple to remember how lucky we truly are. The fact that there are literally MILLIONS of people who have never had the opportunity to see what we saw this morning is humbling. Yes, I may or may not have gotten a little flustered and frustrated when packing up, cleaning up and changing two wiggly worm children – but this whole lucky lady thing is new and I’m still working out the kinks.
Today, we made memories to celebrate the life of someone very important to our family. Today, we caught some fish, listened to the waves. Today, we cherished life.
Great post Amanda, I have felt like that so many times raising two boys. Nice to know I’m not alone! 🙂
oh girl. you are NOT ALONE at all. I keep saying I’m ready for them to be big girls – but I know I’m going to regret it. Do you miss having littles?!
Graham Franklin-Browne says
Hi Amanda. Lovely post. Us blokes dont really know what early parent blues is like other than being witness to it. hang in there it gets heaps better. i am a grandparent and we have just had a few more births in the family and i totally get that wtf look they give you.
Thank You very much – and thank you for stopping by!